I went to New York for Thanksgiving with N and J.
There was a lot that happened, it’s the city that never sleeps, after all. But the pivotal point of it was a play called ”How to make friends and then kill them.“
And I sort of realized that deep down inside I still felt like I needed you, and that was shit, and you were shit, but I still loved you, or I hated the idea that I couldn’t.
It’s all sorts of fucked up that I can’t move on, even though you don’t exist to me anymore, even though you’re so happy now. And I wish you all the best in life, I just wish our lives had never crossed because it hasn’t done me any good.
I want to move on, or forget that you exist, and I want to be able to even think about falling in love again without panicking about being dependent on someone.
Posts tagged text.
I went to New York for Thanksgiving with N and J.
and i think
is the day that
i finally transfer
all that i had put
in onto someone
else and sometimes
i look at you and think
finally its come but then
as the sun comes up and
you blink awake and it strikes
me again how beautiful a thing
we have i can’t help but only just
remember what a beautiful thing
we had and then i can’t forget
that i’m still in love with you
no matter how right some
one else might be if only
because you were my
first and i’m terrified
you’ll be the last
i think of when
i fall to sleep
you’re beautiful when you’re working and when you’ve just woken up.
I think to a certain extent we all wonder how the little decisions we make in our day to day lives factor into the big picture. Staying in bed, a few moments longer, lingering over a conversation you should’ve ended a long time ago to drag yourself into bed, actually texting a friend you haven’t in ages.
But then again sometimes you don’t want to touch the situation and just leave it as it is. I’m not really sure what upsets you, I’m not sure if you just had a bad day. I’m really not sure if we’ll ever talk again, to be quite honest, all dramatics put aside. Because now I’ll always feel like I’m bothering you, like I’m so far from being welcome in your life.
I’ll feel the same way about you for a long time to come, and it strikes me often lately how much that is and what it means. But I’ll do you the favor of staying out of the way. Say hello when you feel like it.
Never do if you don’t. This could be goodbye, dear friend. I never thought it’d be like this.
- Him: You know, I've always sort of thought that when I became a dad, I'd just take my kids to museums and show them cool stuff, and just go on and on about history, and tell them about World War II, and sing and dance to them and just be ridiculous, and dress up in costumes and tell stories and stuff. Fuck, I love kids.
- Her: You know porn girls is a real thing, right? What with the calendars and the guys cooking and vacuuming and holding small animals and stuff.
- Him: I can make toast.
up in the morning
and the sunlight sometimes
streams through the windows
its strange to think that we’re just
two souls who met such a short time
ago and now i can’t begin to imagine what
it would be like to have never met you because
its kind of weird the way this has evolved but it has
taught me so much about myself and about relationships
and feelings and most importantly about friendship
and if for nothing else, then for that i’m thankful
even if you and i both know there’ll be a certain
point in time where things are going to look
like these math psets we’re both doing at
the moment and the problems won’t
even be like the small arithmetic
errors that bother me to no
end but more like not
knowing what the
It’s been a year since I applied to Harvard.
I still remember the stress.
I feel like I have no right to complain about things, and I can’t. There isn’t any way I can remotely say that things are unfair, there isn’t anything about my life that I can say I dislike and then blame on someone else. Because things are going pretty well, respective to how much effort I’ve put in to making them go well.
But I still feel so down. And it’s because I miss you. You know people kept saying it was going to be better, that hearts heal and you get over people, and it doesn’t matter in 6 months or half the time of the relationship, whichever comes first.
That’s so bullshit. I’m not saying it’s never going to get better, but it’s like you burned a hole through my soul and I’m never getting it back the same way I had it.
I just want my best friend back.
Do you notice when you spend a lot of time with people, their personalities and their “me-isms” sort of seep into your vocabulary?
There was the one summer after band camp where I adopted “swag” as the thing to say about everything and after everything and it was genuinely the most obnoxious thing ever. But recently I’ve caught myself saying a lot of things like “agro” for aggressive, and “genuinely, like” or “honestly, it’s not like” and that’s a direct response from being around people who use those phrases quite a lot.
These people are British and South African and Greek and any number of nationalities, and it’s funny because I used to absolutely freak out internally in response to hearing a real live foreign accent, and now it’s all I hear. It’s not shocking anymore, and somehow I don’t like that. There’s something endearing about something you really admire and like being completely uncommon.
I’ve decided that I still mirror people. It’s only because I admire them.
There’s something inherently interesting about taxi drivers. The people they see, the places they go, their very function in society. Driving people around to destinations, knowing the city so intimately and so well, but never knowing why they’re going to a place, never knowing the entire story. Can you imagine the number of people they’ve had on board? The proximity each of those people shared, their warmth still in the cab you just got on because it hasn’t quite evaporated yet? Honestly, it creeps me out and I don’t like taxis.
I do this tutoring thing in Boston every Thursday morning at 6AM and I’ve taken to this one taxi driver named Ray. He’s either the most fucked up man I’ve met, or the goofiest, but he certainly isn’t one of those cab drivers who do you the usual courtesy of shutting up and looking forward, regardless of whatever you’re doing in the back. No, Ray tells you his life story, and you know it backwards and forwards. He has four children, all adopted, all “special” as he likes to say it, either mentally unstable, hates him, or any other number of odd parent child relationships. And he never wears his seat belt and drinks vasts amounts of coffee and gets to work at 2 AM. There’s something about him that hints of brilliant genius, however maniacal that genius may be. Regardless, it’s almost frightening, but quite easy to dismiss.
Ray likes listening to classical music and can’t decipher how young women of this generation will go dutch on dates, and says things like “The best thing you can do is let a man be a man, and you be a lady, it’s supposed to work like that” and then laugh like a crazy man. He finds dates on Craigslist, platonic ones at that, and subscribes to the celebrity series at the BSO.
I could go on and on, but the point is that all of the things Ray does, all of the stories that he tells, all the places he goes in his cab, I’ll still never know what kind of a persons he is. Because to me he only exists in a small metal cube of space, for an hour a week, dropping me off and picking me up at my destination, and I only learn the small pieces of his life he chooses to share. And how many times over does he tell his stories? How many different ways, to how many different people? And how many of them tell him to shut up or wish he would?
There’s a lot of people in this world you briefly interact with, every so slightly brush up into and intrude into their life bubble. It’s strange, do you see, that you only have brief snapshots of people? And no matter how well you know some one or how many different snapshots you have, all you will ever own is snapshots? Sometimes that bothers me. Or it just keeps me sane.
It feels time to make a massive text dump. simply because I haven’t done it in a while, partially because this is gearing up for an official blog post for H, and mostly because I’m procrastinating.
The thing I’ve learned most at Harvard is basically how to fail. How to fail and how to deal with it gracefully. It just seems like unless you’re very, very on top of things, unless your life is so collected that you’re a titanium, water-proof, apocalypse proof, rust proof, time proof vessel, you’re going to inevitably fail at some point in time, because it’s Harvard. And because you’re human. And being able to deal with it is possibly one of the most important lessons to learn. Learn to figure out excuses and learn to work your way around things, and realize that it’s all going to be okay. Maybe not your version of okay, but a more realistic one.
The people here are the most important. I know I mentioned before how insane it would be try and imagine my life without the people that I see daily, and it’s very true. And I feel like I’d like to introduce them all here, right now, but quite frankly, it would take too long, because I could go on and on about them.
Maybe a general mind dump would be appropriate. They’re quite brilliant, all of them. Some of them more so than others, some of them that I like moreso than others. You start to see similarities, unconsciously, between the people you used to know, and the people you newly meet. And the thoughts that keep nagging me are what and how they fit in to your life. It’s an egocentrical point of view, but you are the main character in your play, it’s personally nervewracking to try and see what roles people are going to end up playing. It’d be nice to just take N’s advice and let things be, you know? But sometimes it’s just difficult.
It’s Halloween today. You know how there were these little things called Boo-Grams in high school and you essentially send little goody bags to each other? I got such an unexpected nice surprise yesterday from A. (He’s French Cuban and he speaks French and Spanish and Chinese and he’s in my Chinese class and does crew, but without the douchebag sentiment baggage that some crew guys carry, and is honestly the sweetest person and is just so brilliant and kind and just such a solid character, and then the whole other thing is that he’s just straight up motherfucking sexy but he’s one of those people that are genuinely so charming personality wise they could be utterly unattractive and you’d be attracted to them but some people get all the goods and I’m really so, so fond of him, can you tell I’m gushing.) As a side note, I think I’ve changed quite a lot, but the one thing that kind of has stayed consistent is that I just have no qualms about telling people how attractive I think they are. It makes things less awkward but it still puts them off center enough, which I can’t decide is a good or bad thing.
I’m so sorry about this text post, it’s probably among the most monstrous things I’ve ever written. C is coming to visit tomorrow and fuck, I totally forgot it was this weekend, especially because it’s parents weekend, and I’m quite nervous about it. This was a hot mess but I don’t feel like fixing it.
- Him: You know, you snore a little bit when you're sleeping.
- Her: Awuh, no! I don't. I'm sorry.
- Him: No, it's fine. I like it. It means you're actually getting a deep sleep. You need it.
Anonymous asked: Hello, upperstory. You've been out of the Tumblr loop lately and I figure you must be extremely busy with school. How are you doing? I'm assuming you like it there a lot, but what do you miss most about home? What's something that you don't miss? Is there someone you'd really like to speak to but have not gotten the chance to do so? If yes, what would you tell this person? I apologize for so many questions, but I guess they're just some things to ponder on. I hope all is well :)
I miss being in the Tumblr loop. it was my daily source of news and stuff for a long while. It is extremely busy here, although I’m not sure if it’s all about school, or if its people and extracurriculars. You caught me at a good time, I’m nostalgic as fuck right now about home and there was a lot I was planning on saying anyway. Having a prompt is always helpful.
I miss the stability of home. I’m settling into a rhythm here, but there’s something about high school that seems so safe; maybe because I’ve done it before, maybe because it was something I was used to. I miss having my own stomping grounds, I miss the people, but really, it’s not that much. I don’t miss the restrictions on getting home at a godly hour, I don’t miss having to eat three meals a day.
I miss R.
I want to talk about all the people here, but I’ve been so tight with them, gotten so close to them, gotten to know them so well, I don’t even know if it’s possible to write a blog post describing them all anymore. It’s insane and uncanny that it’s even possible to have become so close to people in the short span of time here, I can’t really imagine life with out them. it’s a curious feeling.
I suppose I haven’t capitalized on all of the opportunities here at H. There’s plenty of them. I’ve taken advantage of a few of them. But at the same time I feel like I’m failing, all the time. And it’s a good feeling, it keeps pushing you forward, it’s a kind of motivation. But at the same time, it’s a bit of a hollow one. One never knows when it’s going to end, you know? When will I be able to feel accomplished, when will I feel like it’s enough. And I might never, it just might be the kind of person I am, might just be the person I turn out to be, and I really really wish I could be the kind of person who was just happy with how life is in the current state, but I’m not. It’s like there’s this ceiling I’m never going to get to.
Person I’d really like to speak to…there’s quite a few. There’s quite a few I do speak to and tell them what I want them to hear. Always R, I suppose. I’m glad we’re both busy and I still love you, hope your life is going lovely. Don’t really want to see you, because you exist better in my mind than you do in real life, but I miss you dearly, all delusions aside.
H is going well. It’s a good atmosphere. It’s possible to grow here. Maybe not thrive, but growing is definitely possible. I’m learning a lot, I’m exhausted. My parents are coming this weekend and I’m really nervous. but it’s all give and take, isn’t it?